Hello and good day to all of you albino sweethearts out there! You pink cheeked beauties! You moonlight kissed persons of the hue most milky white. Hello also to all of you darker skinned lovelies.
I won’t leave you out of this conversation, mostly because I feel the need to educate you tanned fools on the real pain, misery and annoyance that is the summer for the pasties.
Following the same theme, I would like to relate to you some parables of a luminescent glowing nature to the gentiles as well as to the chosen few. Herein lie the realities of the ages long battle of the Celtic, Visigothic, Viking, and Gallic descendants against our mortal enemy, the Sun.
- UV Rays Mean Serious Business– Planning on going outside for more than thirty seconds, blondie? Better grab the SPF 75 if you know what’s good for you! You’d have to be a hundred percent certifiably bonkers to do otherwise. A lack of skin protection in the dead of summer for the gingies and blondies is the best way to ruin your skin for a few weeks, while gaining the appearance of an especially crispy fried side of bacon. You want to lay out and tan, says you? I don’t know how to tan, says I! I have two shades, deathly pale and pink as a hog tied piggy!
- We Actually Cannot Function Properly Between Easter and Halloween– Some of you have met us during this long stretch of time that we spend thinking we are actually going to die of some sort of heat and/or sunlight induced trauma, disease or side effect. So, if we seem a little less than enthused by your company, please try again in winter or fall as we are truly in our element here. During the hot months of the year, we honestly just do as best we can to not commit euthanasia on ourselves. Doing this would be a way for us to end the 8 month cycle of minimal task completion and social interaction on our way to thinking about how miserably hot it is outside, if we’re lucky enough to have a reprieve from the heat inside.
- We Cannot Have Good Hair Days- Not in the summer! The effect heat has upon our appearance doesn’t just limit itself to the surly expression on our faces. In our utter misery, we poof, sweat, put our hair in ugle pony-tails to try to lessen the blow of the smoldering misery of the outdoors. At a very personal level, in my case, and the case of my 22 month old baby girl, we have the kinky poofy curls of a Scottish Disney princess, and this only amplifies the toll the heat takes on our ‘do.
Ladies and gents of the fair skin, there are only a few more months of this literal hell. You of the darker complexion, please try to be understanding of our hateful glare when you come in our house and leave the door open too many lingering seconds. We are trying to do our approximation of hibernating until it’s safe to venture outside again.
One day, perhaps we will be able to look good, or more importantly feel good in the summer. Until then, appearing like we have it together, not looking like we’re going to throw up or pass out will remain the impossible dream.
Joanie is an over-thinker, under-acheiver, and a genuine dork who wants to be everyone’s mom. She routinely threatens unsavory children she finds lurking around her house, and she just might think she’s an elf.